It's awfully nice to know that i'm being greeted heartwarmingly once i'm home during the weekends, even if that means my family members come home much later than me. I basically digged everything in the kitchen (not much if you know that this house doesn't cook. what a waste lah!) and had a binge.
then mom and dad came hm. thinking elder was behind them made mi not smile when i see them. but no! he wasnt there. dad greeted "HELLO!" Both mom and dad were carrying alot of plastic bags. mom either don't talk or procrastinate if she's feeling uncomfortable (i.e. carrying the heavy bags). so after 3 seconds, i replied "hello...". felt bad not greeting them with a wide smile budden it was becoz i tot...u know...
I remembered last sun night when dad and mom fetched me back to hostel, he shouted while i was walking up the stairs "Got enough money or not?" (as usual) and "Work harder ah! Take care ah!"
Then elder came back.
Then bro came back. I was in the room. I turned my head wanting to ask him about ipod stuff and he greeted me with a really WIDE GRIN showing all his front white teeth saying "HEYYY YOOO!!!" ok that made me smile, for a long time. After i came back from the toilet, he said he was daydreaming about me in a business suit with long silky hair. I remembered this isn't the first time someone said this to me. SJ said tt to me too back in JC. so i asked bro, "why you also think that way ah?" and he replied, "i think you look good this way. Dunno leh...you got the look that is similar to any other businessman/woman." HUH? And then he went on asking how come i dun have silky hair anymore. -____- so sad lah. my silky hair!! all gone from layering and dyeing my hair non-stop. but better than a few mths ago so ok lah. =)
hmmm. so elder was ticking dad off bout some video thingy moments ago and i added spice to agitate elder. he din say anything but he slammed the door. If history is going to repeat again then this time i don't know where my elevated fear and hatred are going to take me to. Perhaps I've been thinking too much over these few wks. I don't really know. All i know is that I can only protect by speaking out against him, even if it leads to worse matters. He has taken me to a stage where no others have taken me to. He's the only one that I can shout out loud against his inhumane words right beside him because there's so much disliking towards him, even if I know it might lead to another abuse.
just quarrelled with dad over him. stupid. this was never only elder's hse. It's my house, our house. Dad jolly well know how much i hate him. Effy. Don't ever let this repeat for i pray this new mth for safety. He'll never know if i'm ever going to take a knife. I'll never know too.
if only i could have one wish. so now you know how much i envy a loving family that lives under one roof? headlines: 'one destructive, psuedo smart young adult causing a peaceful family to fall apart.' putting this family to the test or wad.
the little happy moments override the unhappy and unnecessary ones, rmb? now i say this to myself and tml morning will be better.
this is just a test. a test of rights and morals, no? a test of forgiveness and love.
