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Tuesday, November 28, 2006


OMGOODNESS ME.
IT'S 18 HOURS AWAY FROM PARTYING TIME.
SOMEBODY, SAVE ME!

-I'm Waiting for Godot.-


love, cy

Monday, November 27, 2006


NOW YOU SEE, THE 'NEW' WORLD LETS OUT ITS DEADLY SECRET.

And we thought 'new' means better.
Uh uh.
Now everything illogical turns into such a way that they are all logical, and the logical becomes illogical.
In other words, we contradict by debating and defining meanings so clearly on both ends that nothing seems certain.
You say, interpretations.
I say, a heap of mess.
Where has the faith, the one meaning gone to?
Maybe we're game for something more challenging, testing our minds to try not to falter.
Now you see why most of us think being gay and lesbian is perfectly logical, but just weird.
Now you see why everything queer becomes reasonable.
No more structure.
Everything is broken down.
It's bad, but it's good too. Everything's acceptable now.
Welcome to the new world. Soon we'll ask, "Where's order?"

Oh and then there's the problem of language too.
For instance, silence to an actor who has committed a sin is being his true self. He is able to quit his job and run away to a foreign country away from city since he has earned quite a sum of money. He is tired of human fakery. Because when he is guilty and he knows that if he talks, he will speak of deceit. There is the "vertigo and the constant hunger to be exposed" when he speaks unconsciously. He chose silence as "being", not "seeming", in order that he would no longer have to fabricate himself. He silences himself. He is finally "being" true to everyone, including himself, because he has effectively stopped pretending.
Then, by now, since he's silent, those that are close around him will gradually become silent too because they will be having communicative difficulties when speaking to him. They themselves will start to be aware of their personal uncertainties and one by one, they will become "mutes".
We'll then have to guess what each other is saying.
We'll have to fill in the gaps and try to 'hear' the silences.
Isn't that how the cold war is worked out?
Isn't that how the cooling down period when you had an argument with a friend turned out to be, that it isn't a cooling period but a period whereby you try to decipher what each other is thinking?
Silence is terrifying, but it's so real.

Is this a pessimistic entry? No. It's real. And above all, it's acceptable. It's logical. See it this way, everything impossible is now possible. There certainly are doubts and queries, but open-endedness sets in. There isn't any conclusion and any moral of the story by now. No more.

To each his conclusion. To each his best. Welcome to the new world!


love, cy



Never give all the Heart
W.B.Yeats

Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that's lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost.


love, cy

Sunday, November 26, 2006


To the following individuals:
P.S: This entry is not for those who gets goosebumps easily. Might be considered as a mushy content to some. Beware.
My confession in case your mind stirs and you start going "woooo~": I have NO, for goodness sake, any chemistry or sexual desire towards Ricky Boon. NOOO feely feely sparks flying around my head. Okay? Please respect my love for my best friend and his love AS A BEST FRIEND towards me. Thank you.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RICKY
BOON!!!

There's no one who will let me point a gun at him and still be able to laugh cheekily like a monkey except this great guy.
There's no one who knows my moods so well and is able to withstand them except this great guy.
There's no one who will never bully me except this great guy. He will never roar at me, never explode at me and never be irrational towards me.
There's no one who will make my heart ache so badly for a friend except him coz he's the only guy that cried so loudly to me over the phone, and miraculously, at that very moment, i know how painful he was feeling.

I am proud of him. I'm sooooooo proud of him even if he's not good-looking, lighter than me, irritates and frustrates me at times and loves to tease me.
I know his wish for me. His wish is to pray simply yet so sincerely with all his might, hoping that everything will turn out good for me.
HAHA. He was such a skinny and puny boy when he was in sec one. and now, taller than me, better complexion but still skinny.

He listens to my grievances, my troubles and every sickening, horrific, frightening, depressing moments I have.
He may not be there always but I'm glad he knows how crazy, silly, enthusiastic, happy, excited and vain I can be.
He may not be able to convey his messages clearly to me but I know what he means through his expressions and simple reactions, and he knows mine too.
He understands me better than I understand him.
Where on earth do you get such a friend? Thank God for giving me this gift. Thank you for sending him to me.
He's not my boyfriend. He will always be the bestest boy friend. sweetest ever!
For today's celebration, words will not be counted as a wish for you. From the bottom of my heart, you know my wish for you, ric. Happy Birthday, best friend. =)

Ric, thank you so much. You're the best one can ever have.


love, cy

Saturday, November 18, 2006


HAHA! bro and me are waiting for pizzas to arrive right now coz dad and mom went out for dinner.

Mom and bro are going to KL this fri-mon with my relatives! What a happy treat! And im staying in hall next weekend coz of the dreadful exams. -____-

Bro suddenly told me he's starting work at MoS on 1st dec. I'm like "WHOAAA!!!"
Note to Glenn if u read this: sis havent even been to a club b4 leh.
I suddenly feel so nerdy. living in a world of innocence. HAHA. as if.
Have a feeling that Dad won't allow, coz he told bro to concentrate on studies first. Sleazy atmosphere yeah bro. You watch out. I meant, watch out for the sexah babes. And try not to drool.

Can't believe my house has two living oppositions. haha. One fights for traditions so badly, which i think it's okay but it should have its limits as well, and the other going all the way out to enter into a world of westernization. Effects of post-colonialism. can't blame. What on earth is Singapore's identity? East meets West? Or a part of East imitating West, and the other part of East defying West? Perhaps by finding our true identity, we have already lost ourselves. We emphasize so much on culture and debate on it so much that there isn't really any culture left. We are stuck in between and we have to accept this fact. And that's why we are unique. Here and there, and not here and not there. haha. all right. Pardon me for digressing.

So long as we are open to how each individual lives, it'll be ok yeah? Gone with "Not respecting each other, deny thy brother". Respect darlings. May Peace and love shine upon us.

Delivery man's here.. Glorious food! Later.


love, cy

Friday, November 17, 2006


My 'Paradise Lost'

My gifts in the dustbin
My love disintegrated, only to be flown away
My life you threw away.
All these and more in the story of Adam and Eve.

We are here to suffer our sins and sacrifice, and not to create a baser self.
Suffer and sacrifice.
Still a long way to go. Still a long way for me and you to understand.
When it is time for restoration, I hope with all my might,
We will be good and obedient.

Thank you for throwing my life away. Thank you for throwing away this selfish love I once thought I had. Yet, it hurts. My heart cries and I swear, because I miss you and I still love you. Adam the imperfect is perfect to Eve. But Adam, will you see it the same way? Because you are stronger in mind than Eve, I question you, where is the passion that you once had? Not passion as lust and desire, but passion as love. Loving with limits is fine. Do you have to be superior in your mind as compared to your love? Can't you try to keep them in balance? Or is Eve too weak in mind for you?

I will be optimistic and wait for the arrival of the Judgment Day. Bless the Adam who will see through his sins and learn, the Adam who will forgive Eve's weaknesses and patiently guide her, and will willingly cross his heart with hers forever in the Garden of Eden in bliss. Because for all these, Eve will reward him with her truest love. Eve does not doubt his love. If there is no such Adam on Earth, then Eve shall try her very best to survive this journey regardless of what happens. No matter what happens. Even if Eve knows she's more prone to making mistakes because of the weakness in her mind, it doesn't matter, so long as she has the will to fight. She falls, but she stands up again. Double the pain, and awfully lonely she may be, but stronger is she this time.


love, cy

Thursday, November 16, 2006


I suddenly miss Band days. The performances, syf, camp, endless practices, the things bandmates go through together, whether in peace or not. Shoots. The power of band pieces makes me have goosebumps and recalls nostalgic memories. So much memories overflowing, starting from nothing to something. Only my close bandmates and conductors will know what and how all these mean so much to me. 2 years of Band! So much and yet too short? Aye!


love, cy

Monday, November 13, 2006


When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just watch and learn

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

-Fix you by Coldplay


love, cy

Saturday, November 11, 2006


TIME TO WAKE UP.

1+ year. 1 day. 5 months. 3 months. 1 day. 9 months. 1 week. 6 months. 4 years.

The mapping of the timings show what has happened so far since last year and the timing that is within my control.
How much is the value of time?
If I say time is nothing, then i'm escaping reality.
Time counts. Time is valuable to everyone.
Time is expensive.
Time is good if it's priceless.
But when it becomes expensive, what is the meaning of having time?
Time is expensive because we want it to have a price. It must be valued in order to show that what we have been doing in our lives have not been done in vain. Time witnesses our achievements.

When can we ever say time is nothing?
Is time nothing when we are idling around? Must time show that you are active? Must there be evidence to show that you are not wasting time?
Is time so important? For when we calculate and measure time, aren't meanings lost?

Time, in reality, has become so scientific and is devoid of all affections. The value of time is lost. Time traps us. We trap time.

*Whoa. why so philosophical? somemore I'm grumbling about the overlapping issues of time b4 hitting bed. siao. I think I went berserk for a moment and now I'm drowsy. Don't worry. It doesn't happen often.*

TIME TO SLEEP.


love, cy

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


Here I am watching youtube and eating dinner halfway...and my lit fren called mi. She's an A grader and because I flunk my first few essays, I asked her for advice for the assignments that we have to hand in by this week.

1st flaw: Language.
I admit I was never good in English, yet I still chose English Lit because I love to explore and understand universal interests. When I had the decision to choose between NIE and NTU English, I went around asking others and myself if I am capable of taking English. And I plunged into it because it was my first choice. A choice I wanted all along. It's my dream to study Lit besides ADM or other designing courses.

I had a career laying right in front of me. Piano. A job that I will definitely venture into. It was my ambition since secondary school to become a piano teacher. I am already one now. A part-time piano teacher. I never regretted teaching my 2 students. I know I will definitely take on this job and so, since JC started, I wondered why I ever took that disgusting education route. Or am I just stupid to handle the subjects?

2nd flaw: Faith.
At times, I still doubt myself that I can at least deal with the English Language better. I am terrible at it. An Arts student getting a C6 in GP is simply horrendous. Lousy. Wherever I walk in NTU, be it the reading room, pass the benches or the libraries, I see students frantically studying and absorbing all the knowledge they can. And me? I have to learn to understand the subjects that I am not capable of scoring. And I bloody hell chose it. I made my own choice. And here I am, suddenly bursting into tears.

Initially, my fren said my writing is more clear cut now. I felt safe. I thought there's hope. And then after reading my essay again, she called me up to say it isn't convincing enough because I probably did not understand my theories well enough to differentiate them. I'm not blaming her. I'm actually glad I have a fren who can help criticise my writing and point out my mistakes. You know how seriously I take myself, don't you?

Why didn't I take up debating as a cca?
I don't want to give up even though I'm sick of it.
Language and faith.
It's so tough to improve something you always get beaten at since young.
Can i make it to the top?
All I know is that the journey is definitely going to be rough and extremely tough.


love, cy

Saturday, November 04, 2006


I better start preparing my gear.

Been feeling 'off'. mind's off. everything on the surface is okay but you know when the night comes or when you're alone for a long time...pah! all these thinkings start rolling in.

well i havent been too good. not with certain peers and my studies. my assignments' results are totally demoralizing and i start to question my own capabilities. Rmb fortuna's wheel? What goes around comes around. I certainly believe in that. Anw, there are 2 more assignments due next week. i'm pretty terrified of the exams. it's like not taking exams in a yr and suddenly u have to check ur examination venues.

On the one hand i'm trying so hard to deal with my studies, praying that everything will go well. But on the other hand, i'm worrying bout other matters. The thoughts are disturbing. Sometimes the more u wish for sth to happen, it won't come true. And sometimes i wish i can make things happen, but i can't because it won't let me deal with it. I feel sort of suffocated.

Then how liddat? Let time pass by rite? And let these thoughts continue to disturb me.


love, cy

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