Thom Gunn (1929–)

'Carnal Knowledge'

Even in bed I pose: desire may grow
More circumstantial and less circumspect
Each night, but an acute girl would suspect
My thoughts might not be, like my body, bare.
I wonder if you know, or, knowing care?
You know I know you know I know you know.

I am not what I seem, believe me, so
For the magnanimous pagan I pretend
Substitute a forked creature as your friend.
When darkness lies – without a roll or stir –
Flaccid, you want a competent poseur
Whose seeming is the only thing to know.

I prod you, you react. Thus to and fro
We turn, to see ourselves perform the same
Comical act inside the tragic game.
Or is it perhaps simpler: could it be
A mere tear-jerker void of honesty
In which there are no motives left to know?

Lie back. Within a minute I will stow
Your greedy mouth, but will not yet to grips.
‘There is a space between the breast and lips.’
Also a space between the thighs and head,
So great, we might as well not be in bed:
For we learn nothing here we did not know.

I hardly hoped for happy thoughts, although
In a most happy sleeping time I dreamt
We did not hold each other in contempt.
Then lifting from my lids night’s penny weights
I saw that lack of love contaminates.
You know I know you know I know you know.

Abandon me to stammering, and go;
If you have tears, prepare to cry elsewhere –
I know of no emotion we can share.
Your intellectual protests are a bore,
And even now I pose, so now go, for
I know you know.

Labels: carnal knowledge

love, cy

If you want to save it,

Convey your ideas clearly using simple words. Tally your words with the right actions, because non-verbal communication holds more importance and truth than the verbal. Even when you're telling others not to take things for granted, are you taking things for granted?

You'll find yourself being accepted, someday.

Perhaps I'll stop this hide-and-seek game and unveil the pretty mask. Just for you.

love, cy

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

It's good to see students running all over campus at 11pm again. (;

This is just but one of the cranky little things lit girls do when they get bored early in the morning.








Having fun even when work's rolling in...
work=work that is double the weight of our own (books and readings could have probably literally crush us. commitments outside classes could have probably drown us. we'll usually make a fuss but we'll never end up in a cast.)
Capable and great girlfriends i've got.

Labels: "their hearts were jocund and sublime"- Milton

love, cy

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

I'm extremely exhausted from releasing everything that i have consumed once in every few hours!!! very tired man. what's wrong with me. i'll give myself 2 more days.

and the incessant drillings in 4th floor girls' toilet goes on forever, disturbing and waking us up at 9am and won't stop till evening. how many more times is that toilet gg to be out of order...6th floor neighbours also buay tahan ah!

At least there's still 爸爸's birthday to look forward to. Daughter's praying for his safety over here in Boon Lay wherever he is, esp when he's with his Chrysler. That car's like a bumper car. It's been tough for one man, for him all these years as the 5 of us grew up as one family. Ytd at 12am, i was busily trying to type him a chinese message wishing him well and at the same time, i was mentally counting his age. Wonders.

Sometimes I'd raise my voice at him when i get irritated, sometimes i'd talk back at him because he's not respecting mom's decision or mine. To him, i've always been a defiant feminist of the house. But more than that, i've always been his six year old little girl. I've seen him laugh, seen him tear, seen him shout, seen him in despair, seen his wrinkles cringe and run all the way to both sides of his cheeks near his chin when he smiles widely. That i love the best. I miss him carrying me when i was a kid. And even if he's naggy most of the times, I still enjoy him telling me stories and his life experiences. When I've actually started living in hall, then did i realized how much i miss my family members and how important it is to cherish them.

ok la enough of this. i wanna tear alr. I leave you all and myself with this msg i typed to him and his reply at 12midnight when some are watching tv, some chatting online, some quarrelling, some having supper with their friends and some others already in their dreamland. My Dad, my favourite fan.

Me: "祝你生日快乐！一切顺顺利利。这样一来您就不必操心也没烦恼！"
Dad: "谢谢了！好女儿，您也一样好运。多照顾自己，早点休息，为更美好的明天即将来一起努力！"

only this time i'm not writing for a 作文. haha.

mom just called to ask if im out of the diarrhoea zone. i told her i just came back from danger zone. i thought she wanted to ask me about sth else, so i asked, "you called me only for this ah?" she replied, "ya lor."



I'm blessed.

love, cy

Monday, January 22, 2007

All these in front of the people i've hurt and those who've hurt me.

"I just want to breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little, cry a little
Live a little more
I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little, try a little more
I'll breathe again."
-Juwita Suwito Breathe Again



sidenote: bowels (i wonder if God put a pun to it) been bad since last thursday. need to visit the loo at least twice a day. often in the middle of the night. been disturbing my sleeps. mentally in turmoil and physically in madness. i'm eating as per normal but a little lesser. won't die right?

love, cy

Saturday, January 20, 2007

back at Home.

I just talked to mom about elder and what has been happening to him, about school and recently about the issues that set me worrying. My doubts are cleared. (:

So i was sharing with mom what i learnt in french classes...then i remembered this funny moment and shared it with her as well. It was when Prof Yannick was speaking to us in french as usual (and we have to guess what he's trying to say) and a new girl said "tia bo!" in hokkien and all of us laughed for the longest time ever. To make things even funnier, prof yannick said "tia bo? ahhh...tia bo." That sent mom who's in the process of dyeing her hair laughing till she teared. She told me that chinatown's selling 'learning how to speak teochew well' vcds. sounds interesting huh. have always wanted to learn and speak well in teochew so i can chat with grampa and grandma without getting the translations from dad. oh and i found out that youtube has uploaded 'how to speak korean' vcds in which I feel that they're extremely draggy.

piano theory papers beckons. bonne soiree!

love, cy

random musings.

I have just finished watching a drama on youtube (finally!) The show was introduced by lil and i have doubts watching it at first coz it's a show bout gangsters. and i asked her it's the 5566 show. HAHAHA. fortunately it's not. The drama's filled with highly charged actions and emotions so I guessed that's the main reason why I'm following it till the end. Feely feely. I'm watching season 2 SOON & im glad it only has 10 eps coz i dun think i want to spend too much time watching dramas. lol.
Lil said, "Why is there no Shan Zi (the guy she's obsessed with) in this world??"
and I replied, "Because this is Singapore. There's no drama mama. You wan can go migrate and fill your life with action thrillers and dangers."
She said, "ok. Im packing my bag now."

Work's rolling in as usual and last piano theory exam's coming really soon. I'm a little worried that I'm taking 6 modules this sem, including a language. But still I'm fine with them so far and I like the mods so I'm going ahead with this decision. God bless.

Went to aly's room last nite to help out with hall 9 publicity till 3+am. She msned me to ask me to come down at 12+am lah. tt busy girl. Then i was supposed to go for dance with joyce at 7pm but she was at jp. When she reached hall it was 8pm so i told her im gonna forgo it and then chatted with sherry roomie instead.

Talked to aly, adila and lil bout the career prospects of an arts grad coz I couldn't help but worry a little. Read my fren's blog tt some minister said in his speech not long ago that there is little future for lit grads. felt really disappointed and hopeless for an instant coz i was pretty concerned with the prospects even before starting out this course. Language, techniques, clarity, speed and ideas. As quoted by Dr. Kenneth Chan, "Never sacrifice clarity in terms of style." Now i'm going ahead with this little hope and my very best.

I came back home this late afternoon and the family men came home late. dad with elder, and younger came back later. Recently (meaning probably 2-3 wks ago), I realized dad usually goes out with elder on a friday night or the weekends. Either one whole afternoon or one whole night. I'm feeling weird. Like really weird. And i couldn't say anything. Or maybe i don't bother to ask coz i dun wan to be involved in it. It seems like the past again. Things are definitely picking up and elder has been to dad's office to help him with business. I don't know if mom talks to him. But months ago, when i witnessed whenever elder's out, both dad and mom will open his room door, inspect his stuffs and then mom will tidy his room willingly. They are on talking terms now even though not every single time. I feel that I should be happy about it coz I knew it's my parents' wish to 'reunite' their kinship with elder and welcome him back to the family even if they don't say it to bro and me. But the other side of me can't forget the things he did in the past. So when the corner of my left eye saw him walking towards the living room to find dad and sat on the couch, it felt really weird. This is my side of the story. I don't know about them. The thing is, I don't know why I don't want to question them.

Anyway, I'm trying to control my food intake. But today when i reached home i went on a tiny binge. haha. how ironic.

Being home is an enjoyment. Chatting with dad, mom and bro feels so good.

ok my complexion is getting worse! Both sherry and i agreed that it's the evil doing by the hall stay.

Reads: -finish up 'A Child Called It'
-'The Vicar of Wakefield'


super random i know. haha. gotta catch up with some good sleep on my '19 year old and only dependent friend'. bonne nuit!

love, cy

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Salut! ca va?

Je m'appelle Chong Ying. Je suis Singaporienne. Je parle anglais et chinois. Je suis etudiant en literature anglaise a NTU. J'habite a NTU.

et toi?

Prof de francais Yannick seems like a nice, metrosexual young man. (: ok maybe that's because he calls my name a few times and answers all my doubts. He also has ears that could listen to what i asked my course mate 3 metres away and then answered my question rightaway. How nice. (((: sensitive new-age man. HAHAHA.

Finally i can get to relax for tonight after two days of finishing up my lit tutorials.
Au revoir!

love, cy

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Experience counts?

Sometimes, the girl at 19 who once thought of becoming a doctor asked herself, "What if I had a chance to do biology all over again?"
The girl who has walked through 1/5 of her life wants to find out the issues regarding the teachings and conflicts of various religions. "Am I too old to start?" It seemed as if people and friends around her gave her this answer, "How will you, as an agnostic, be able to know more about my religion than me? I have much more faith and experience than you because I know what is the right way." So you mean this girl who started late wouldn't know?

Sometimes, the girl who wished she could have done better at relationships got rejected by guys who see time, see experience as an issue. "Hey babe, I've known my ex(es) or this girl i used to like since i was a child. What do you think you can do to cover up these long years of intimacy i once had with her?" The girl wished she could have kicked the guy to the zoo and made him live with the baboons for the rest of his life. Obviously, she couldn't.

Sometimes, the girl ponders, does experience really count? She wants to try out new things, and she really didn't see her age as a problem. 19 is too young an age to pose as a problem. But people couldn't see. They're blind. The girl knows she will be able to do better than what she did when she was much younger. And sometimes, she just wishes that people will take notice that she is doing more than what your childhood friend or sweetheart did for you ages ago. Is time really that important?

Have you missed out something that is ever so valuable that is lying right in front of your eyes? Memories serve the purpose of remembrance, not comparison.
You're not only the person that the girl is seeking attention for. You're the girl as well.

love, cy